Why do we spend half our lives avoiding who we are?
Is it fear of what others will think, or fear of being our true selves and what that entails.
This post is going to go deep, deep into spirituality, deep into beliefs, and deep into labels. So, fair warning now in case you want to step away and not read further.
I’m going to start with the labels first- which mean nothing more than providing me with greater understanding of who I am and what I believe in, and because it seems like a likely place to start.
After all, our labels are often how we define ourselves and how we figure out where we fit in the world.
I’m an empath, a highly sensitive person, an intuitive and probably a few more things which I’m not quite ready to own but which I’ve been trying to outrun or ignore for the longest time. It’s what has led me to where I am today.
Image Credit: Jen Theodore on Unsplash
Let’s go back to 2016, it seems a likely place to start (although there’s many starting points once I first began to recognise the signs) but it was the year that so many things started to fall into place.
I first acknowledged it to myself after attending a meditation group and knowing that someone else was in the room with us that night, someone not living who I could describe and place as a relative of the hostess, down to her quirks and traits. It was like opening a door to a place I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go.
I had several more ‘occurrences’ that year which physically and emotionally drained me. It’s probably the first time I realised how much my energy was impacted by the people I was around. I was so new to all of it, so eager to learn and grow, and yet so unknowing of all that I was dealing with.
There was one particular person who I met that year who had lived an extremely traumatic life and who affected me more than any other person ever had. Being around her started to make me physically ill, so much so that I had to distance myself in the end.
It was about that time when I began shutting it all down, all of my intuitive insights, the emotions of everyone around me that I was feeling. My journaling workshops which seemed to bring forth all of the people who needed healing also started to feel overwhelming, though I would stick with them for a lot longer.
And once I closed the door to the other world, it didn’t take away my empath side, it just lessened my ‘knowing’. It was much like being wrapped in a security blanket, a safe little cocoon which blocked out the other world to my thinking mind. I still felt the emotions big and hard, but if I didn’t think about stuff too much then I felt safe.
The Covid years between 2020 - 2022 were perhaps some of the greatest years for me, and I’m imagining it was true for all the other empaths and sensitives out there - distance, isolation, not having to be up close and personal with people, and best of all not needing an excuse to avoid people.
Fast forward to 2021 and the week we lost my dad. It was a moment in time that rocked me to the very core of my being. In the space of a week I lost my dad, my uncle (mums brother) and we almost lost my mum. All unrelated, all unexpected.
It was then when I felt the BIG feels, including the moment my dad passed which I’ve never really shared with anyone. How do you talk about these things when it’s a part of you that you’ve always largely hidden?
And yet when I expected that I would be able to still see and feel him (he’d been such a big believer in the spirit world) I had nothing, and this only added to my distress of losing him.
It’s not surprising to me that the last two years have been building to this moment, and everything which has happened through that time. I’ve worked in several very dysfunctional work places over the last few years (and here I have to add my gratitude for remote working)
The emotions of all those around me navigating that dysfunction have challenged me more than I could imagine, and the challenges my family were experiencing also felt too big and too hard. I’ve been drowning for too long.
My greatest weakness has always been the need for control - of my emotions, of the people around me, of the situations I face. It helps me feel safer…but when you hold on so tight then eventually something has to give, and in my case it has been my health.
And I can’t deny the reality of what my illness has taken away from me or impacted - my vision, my hearing, my taste, my ability to speak, my freedom - effectively my senses all on one side, the right side, which has its own significance.
It brings me to where I was going with this post (admittedly in a very roundabout way) about how the people and what you need most will always find you when you’re ready for them.
For the longest time I’ve had a not so secret desire to go travelling, it started several years ago with a thought towards travelling overseas, and then with Covid, it coalesced into thoughts about an around Australia trip.
As a result I’ve been following a lot of Facebook groups of women doing similar, and living vicariously through my brother and his family who did their big lap last year.
Image credit: Joey Csunyo on Unsplash
Which leads me here and to this woman’s journey in a book ironically called Around Australia. Someone randomly shared they’d read this book in a travel group over the weekend. Elaine is an author and psychic medium who wrote this book about facing her fears and embarking on a solo trip around Australia.
Yes it’s a wonderful retelling of her journey and the places she visited, but it’s also the journal of a woman facing down her fears, sharing how her intuition and insights kept her safe and also sharing nuggets of wisdom about energy, the spirit world and the synchronicities the universe serves up when we’re not too afraid to listen.
Timing is everything after all…and this paragraph - well I think you’ll understand when you read it, and I reached out to Elaine for permission to share which she happily gave me.
“We all have male and female energies in our bodies, and we draw upon that energy depending on what we are doing. Your male energy is your “doing” energy. It is used for physical activities, like working and driving, and for making decisions with your mind, ego, or thoughts.
Your female energy is your receiving energy. It is used for nurturing and caring for your body and allowing others to give to you. It is also the energy that you use for your spiritual gifts, your sensitivity, and your intuition. Your male energy is represented by your dominant side of your body, or the side of the hand you write with.
For most people, the male side is their right side of their bodies, and the female side is the left side. If you are getting a lot of illnesses on the male side of your body, like stubbing your toe on that side, then it is your body speaking to you. It is letting you know that you are out of balance with your male energy, doing too much or using your thoughts instead of your intuition to make your decisions.
Alternatively, if you are out of balance in your female energy—for example, if you are only giving and not allowing other people to do things for you—then the nondominant side of your body may get an injury or suffer ill health. Listen to your body, as it is a great messenger.”
The right side of my face is the one which has been affected, and some of my online sleuthing speaks of the connections with shutting down emotions and a blockage of the third eye chakra (our intuition) with Bells Palsy.
Really, you don’t say 😭🤣
Time for me to release the reins of my masculine energy - my energetic slap to the face with Bells Palsy is proof of that. I need to stop fighting who I am and start finding better ways to bring balance to my feminine energy and return to trusting and listening to who and what’s around me.
Not quite sure where I start, but self awareness and acknowledging all of this seems the best place to start.
The other irony is that it’s through meditation, and especially my writing where my knowing most comes into being, the words and understanding bubble up and fight to be shared when I’m sitting in my knowing and not fighting to control it.
Both the things I’ve been skirting around and avoiding for the longest time. And I’ll be honest, it’s too bloody exhausting fighting who I am any longer…
Keep smiling, Fi 🌻
💖 The truth shall set you free 💖