Walking in the shadows
When we walk in the darkness we will find parts of ourselves that are both confronting and enlightening. Come walk with me…
I’m finding recently that when I sit down to write the words I think I need to share, that my thoughts and my feelings are at odds and running in multiple different directions. That is the beauty of using our words as a means for healing.
It’s always been in my nature to want to share light, bright and inspiring words and yet I’m discovering that it’s in the shadows that I am discovering my self in the path to growth and self-awareness.
Image credit: Marco Bianchetti on Unsplash
Todays topic is far from sexy and yet I’ve felt it several times in the last few weeks and it’s made me go deeper to explore.
GUILT
It’s a big ugly word that doesn’t feel good - and whether it’s guilt from something you did or didn’t do, or something you’ve been accused of doing, it’s one of those feelings that churns up my insides and in my case elevates my anxiety levels.
Guilt is described as a moral emotion that involves negative feelings of the self, feelings of distress and feelings of failure.
Let me add my own two cents worth here of what guilt means for me, it’s where;
💣 I’ve unintentionally said or done something to upset someone, or perhaps I’ve NOT done or said something which could have helped a situation.
💣 I don’t feel worthy or deserving of something or someone.
💣 I’ve fully and intentionally done something I’m not so proud of because I’ve put my own feelings first before someone else’s.
💣 I’ve tried to be helpful or to protect someone and I’ve taken away their power to fix or resolve something themselves
💣 I’ve judged someone based on my own perceptions and beliefs, and not their reality.
Let’s face it, most of us don’t do things intentionally to hurt others - we almost always do and say things to simply make ourselves feel better.
The most recent thing where guilt came up for me seems so silly (theres so many bigger things) and when I think about it now it’s so small and yet it makes me realise how often things can get out of control in our own minds when we’re confronted or called out on things we’ve said or done.
I posted on a Facebook group (first mistake if you’re trying to avoid judgement) about the things I’d explored and tried to support my recovery from Bells Palsy - several of which included visiting some private specialists (read that as expensive specialists) and having several weeks off work to rest and recover.
I was reminded by a group member and I might add, in a very caring way, that the only thing that was required for recovery was the steroids to halt any facial nerve damage and that not everyone could afford private specialists, nor should they feel that they had to for them to be able to recover.
Nothing she said was offensive, she was very considerate in her response and yet immediately that big ugly guilt feeling and flagging self worth issues rose up inside me and overwhelmed me. I suddenly felt guilty for my ‘privilege’ of being able to take time off work and being able to afford specialist care.
I wanted to apologise dammit, and I had to forcibly stop myself from justifying the treatment I had used and the words I had shared - my issues, no one else’s.
It took a lot of self talk to not want to apologise and justify, in the end I merely thanked her for pointing it out because all the information can be overwhelming for people seeking guidance in the first few days.
Argh, why do we automatically feel guilty when
others are struggling and we have more or better
we are healthier and others are not as fortunate, or we heal quicker
we don’t feel worthy and our “people pleasing” tendencies take over
we are challenged or threatened for our beliefs and / or our feelings
we feel that it’s our fault that someone else feels or thinks things
we step away from something or someone because it doesn’t feel good for us anymore.
Here’s the big kicker (and my realisation) - it’s not my responsibility what others think, do or feel. If I can hold my head high and be confident of how I have conducted myself now or previously, and know that I did the best I could with what I had to work with, then the only person who matters is me.
And let’s confront all the years of living with
❤️ Hello parent guilt - I should have been a better mother, I could have done things differently, it’s my fault because I did or I didn’t do….
💜 Hello family guilt - I shouldn’t have said what I did, I could have handled it differently, if only…..
🧡 Hello partner guilt - I didn’t want to see your way because I was too stubborn or hurt, I could have said it differently, I wish I’d known….
💚 Hello employee guilt - I would have done things differently if only I’d known, I didn’t need to feel that way, I could have said it better…..
💛 Hello every other kind of guilt I’ve ever experienced.
All the should haves, could haves, and would haves in the world aren’t going to change what has been said or done.
There is only what we do next…
Regardless of what we have done or said, everyone has a choice / free will of how they react or what they do.
And if we have done something morally or ethically wrong, then own that shit, apologise for it and move on. Guilt is such a useless, wasted emotion to dwell in, or on.
And I fully believe these words will continue to spill from my fingers onto the page and I have no apology for that, nor will I feel guilty any more for letting it flow - to feel and to be aware, is to grow and become lighter.
And we all need that.
Keep smiling, Fi 🌻
I love that you have explored this topic Fiona. Guilt can be tied in up so many layers of limiting beliefs and programming, it’s good to focus on one big emotion sometimes, so that you can focus in on the root cause. 💫🙏
This is so good, thank you! I know well that guilty feeling that comes up when I'm in my suffering but then immediately think about others who have it far worse.