Not the words I wanted to write
Learning that life often delivers what we need, more so than what we want
I’m a big believer that these things are sent to challenge us and teach us lessons, and mine at this stage is learning to slow down and accept what I cannot change. This week has seen one of my biggest challenges to date and I’m struggling to understand it or deal with my feelings and emotions.
I was diagnosed on Thursday with Bells Palsy, which if you read some of the info is thought to be related to a virus which affects the fascia nerves, a compromised immune system and can also be activated through stress which I seem to have had in bucketloads over the last year.
Image Credit: Kelli McClintock on Unsplash
While a large number of people seem to suffer from it, it’s not widely spoken about or shared, which I am rapidly discovering. Although I’m immensely grateful for the Facebook support groups which exist and have helped me find some answers in the last few days.
What this means for me is one side of my face is partially paralysed, which is making speaking, closing one eye and even focusing on anything really difficult. Eating and drinking is also affected and the achy feeling in my head has been next level at times. I’ve also discovered my hyper sensitivity to noise in the last few weeks has also probably been because of this. And that’s before you deal with the feelings and emotions which accompany something as life changing as this.
It’s challenging me in so many ways, not the least of which is feeling very self conscious and uncomfortable. It’s also hard to deal with when you’re the one who is used to looking after others, doing all the supporting and having all the answers.
I’ve found it hard to even share this news with some of my family - so if you’re reading this and I haven’t shared this news with you yet - it’s definitely been me sitting with my feelings of not being quite so perfect or sharing my pain. It’s hard to have this conversation with loved ones or to know what to say - and especially when your mouth is not working so well. As always words and writing are my healing path.
Emotions and spirituality have always been a big part of my journey, so I’m really not surprised that according to Louise Hays book ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ that the “Root cause of Bell’s palsy is about denying emotions. It is the manifestation of the extreme control over anger, and the unwillingness or inability to express that anger.”
Nothing like a resounding energetic slap in the face to both take away your freedom and set you back in your place and have you questioning everything about your life.
I find myself grateful that mine seems to be a milder case than some, but anything which affects your face, your outlook, your ability to function or what we consider ‘normal’ is never mild.
Full recovery is also not a given, although the odds are at 90% if you have steroids in the first 72 hours, so I’m hopefully on track to get back to some kind of ‘normal’ at some stage. Although from what I’m discovering it’s a long, slow recovery. Sigh…so it seems I have way more challenges still to face.
For now as I sit here writing this post at 4am, which I’m told is another side affect of the heavy duty steroids I’m taking (wakefulness), I am trying to find the things in my life I have to be grateful for.
My family and friends, the reality that there is hope of recovery, my ability to be able to write down my feelings, the realisation that our greatest challenges are also our biggest lessons. And in between those things are the ongoing need to cry, feel sad, lonely, vulnerable and bloody pissed off.
But I’m also accepting that you need to feel to heal, so I’m working on that lesson as we speak. And if you’ve read all this way then I thank you for allowing me to sit with my vulnerability and to share this.
Hi Fiona. Although im sad to hear about your diagnosis, i'm also glad to hear the "fight" in you. I can only imagine what you are going through. However, I am certain that you will overcome. Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Wishing for your recovery. Take care.
Kind Regards,
Carina
Thanks for sharing Fiona. I’m so sorry to hear of your diagnosis but it absolutely doesn’t surprise me that you’re seeing this as a time to reflect and and an opportunity to learn. It’s a good reminder of how we as adults are taught to push down “negative” emotions. I wish you all the best for your recovery. Take care. Cherice