Highway to hell - the path to healing
It will be the hardest yet most satisfying adventure you’ll ever experience
Self healing is a wonderful, magical journey - said nobody ever.
So let’s be honest, the self healing journey is more likely to be scratchy, painful and downright exhausting. its also difficult, gut wrenching, shitty, - yeah there’s a hundred different adjectives I could use. You’ve probably explored and experienced most of them yourself.
Or perhaps you haven’t yet begun…
Reality check - there’s nothing magical about the journey…but what’s on the other side will certainly be magical and life changing, provided you don’t give up when the going gets tough. And it will, get tough that is.
And we do give up, multiple times. But something makes us keep on getting back up, even when we think we no longer can.
My journey to self healing has been occurring for a life time, or at least most of my adult life. Last year was probably the culmination of several events which made me realise that things in my life needed to change.
I needed to change - my thinking, my patterns, my habits.
Yes, I signed on for the hard road to hell, or is it the highway to hell?
Multiple crossing highways by Denys Nevozhai on Unsplash
March 2023
It probably started here, but in truth it had probably been slowly bubbling away for the previous 3 years. In March last year I walked away from a toxic and damaging workplace that I was consulting in. It was a hard call for me to make, but it was something that I felt I needed to do for my own sanity.
It wouldn’t be the first time, and it likely won’t be the last time.
When situations start to make us question our values and our integrity, and what’s right or wrong, then it’s probably time to walk away - be that from a workplace, a friends circle, a relationship or something else entirely.
That’s not quitting, that’s called honouring yourself. Although it didn’t feel like that at the time, it felt like quitting to me, like I was simply giving up. So let’s pile on a load of guilt to the experience while we’re at it.
If it doesn’t feel good, it’s probably not for you.
What made me saddest was that my employer who had espoused values of care and support when I’d started with them and had knowingly sent me into the lion’s den, then seemed to forget that when it came to crunch time. As could be expected the commercial considerations came first.
So I walked away from not only the workplace but the employer as well. At this stage I can say I was definitely one of the lucky ones in this situation, financially I could afford to make this decision. It still took me 8 weeks of soul searching before I felt ready to rejoin the workforce. Albeit, I was a little hesitant, work weary and battle scarred.
August 2023
My next work project was just as hard and as challenging, but the workplace values were better aligned, so it earned a preliminary tick on my ‘must have’ checklist. But my body was already in fight or flight mode and the first indication came by way of a huge slap in the face with a debilitating bout of Bells Palsy. I was 3 months into my new role.
This ailment was something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I had 4 weeks of pain which made me want to hide away from the world, and believe me when I say the ensuing facial paralysis does all kinds of weird things to your self confidence. The pain and discomfort was also so bad that I couldn’t think straight or concentrate.
The things that normally kept me sane - my reading and writing, became too hard for me to do for any length of time. For almost four weeks I mostly slept and simply existed.
Acupuncture turned out to be my saviour.
September 2023
I went back to work almost completely recovered from Bells Palsy (text book healing according to my acupuncture specialist - which is apparently not always the norm)
But my body wasn’t done with fighting back. My stomach then went into rebellion - which could have been something to do with the vast amounts of painkillers I’d been taking for Bell’s palsy. So the stomach virus which then took me out for a week was brutal.
And during this time I started writing on Substack about my health challenges. I also spent plenty more of my time sleeping.
October 2023
And then if Bells Palsy and a stomach virus wasn’t enough, then I got hit with Covid, which is something I’d successfully avoided for the previous 3 years. My immune system was in meltdown and it meant another two weeks on the lounge and more time spent sleeping my life away. Thank goodness for an understanding workplace.
The cough and the resulting exhaustion from Covid laid me low for at least another 3 weeks and then lingered for the next few months.
December 2023
By now my body was feeling battered, beaten and thoroughly wrung out. I started experiencing heart palpitations, stomach problems, trouble swallowing, extreme tiredness. With a good strong dose of accompanying anxiety (which took me right back to my early twenties)
This began my quest for answers in the form of tests, trying different things, doing lots of research in a an attempt to find my way back to something close to feeling normal. What is normal though when you’ve been feeling less than average for so long?
i explored the medical route first - with an endoscopy, blood tests, a colonoscopy (argh, this one is not for the weak) I’m sure some evil villain somewhere created the colonoscopy to torture already unwell individuals.
What was discovered - low iron levels, severe gut issues - hiatus hernia, inflammation, gluten intolerance., amongst a few other minor issues
Yes, I was fortunate - despite how troubling my symptoms were, there was nothing sinister, permanent or untreatable going on.
So I began making more life changing decisions - I drastically changed my diet, and I changed up my lifestyle. I began to do the work on healing my body, and still on my best days I felt like my body was letting me down.
Never once did I consider it was me letting my body down…
I then began planning and counting on our 10 week half lap of Australia being the cure all for my body. An exciting journey and a new adventure was the light at the end of the tunnel, it was going to be the answer to all that ailed me. I figured it was all I needed to help my body heal and regain its flow.
But then nobody said the journey to wellness was ever going to be easy
It’s only recently I’ve realised that doing the work on my body is only the surface stuff, in fact it’s the easier stuff. It’s actually my soul that needs the work - my ailments and exhaustion are simply a symptom of my soul not being happy, and that it’s a cry for help.
The people pleasing, word swallowing, confrontation avoiding soul is manifesting the smothered emotions and feelings in symptoms and illnesses, which most of us just keep pushing on through…
Until we can’t push any more.
Sound familiar?
Come back for Chapter 2 tomorrow…
Keep smiling (and healing) Fi 🌻
P.S Maybe I should write a book (or two). Oh that’s right - I am 🤣😂
Thanks for reading,
If you like what you’ve read please consider liking or restacking this post, or leaving a comment below.
And if you're intrigued by the power to inspire change with words, you can find more of my writing on Substack or Medium